Discussing the Art of Loving and reflecting on my changed perspective

We recently had a seminar at The Buddhist House on the ideas of Erich Fromm, especially his thesis on The Art of Loving. It was apparent to me that his approach to the subject in the now classic book was very different to that which I took in Love and Its Disappointment. In Fromm's approach love is something rare whereas in mine it is extrmely common. In Fromm it is a high art attained to only by a few whereas in LAID it is the essence of life and the basic source of motivation for everybody. Fromm does, however, emphasise the importance of loving rather than being loved. Much literature in popular psychology emphasises the need that each person has to be loved. Fromm and I agree in emphasising the need that individuals have to love over the need to be loved.
Fromm sees love as rooted in the experience of separateness and asserts that (a) much that is commonly called love is actually a pseudo-love based on the need to reduce the displeasure of feeling separate and (b) true love can only be practised by those who have overcome this particular sense of lack: "the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love". My approach is rather different. I do not see love as rooted in or arising from some other need. I see love as fundamental - as itself the root motive. I see the problems of love arising from the conflict of loves rather than from failure to master the art.
However, both Fromm and I see narcissistic preoccupation as one of the primary pathologies of love. Since Fromm's time, narcissistic preoccupation has become a lot more socially acceptable than it was in his time. The goal of many followers of contemporary pop psychology is to learn how to love themselves. For Fromm real love is an urge to give and "For the productive character, giving... is the highest expression of potency." He thinks that the "productive character" needs to develop a strong sense of self. I feel that there is some contradiction here between the renunciation of narcissism on the one hand and the necessity of self-development on the other. In my view, "productive character" flows from practice in the act of loving rather than being a prerequisite for it and such character does not depend upon a developed subjective sense of self at all, but upon a positive engagement with the life-world.
Fromm's emphasis upon the non-possessive nature of true love narrows his subject. This makes his work akin to many contemporary theses in which an ideal that is beyond what is found on earth is posited and then the means to its attainment set out, such means being the eradication of something that is ineradicable in human nature. I once found this approach inspiring but nowadays find it less than satisfactory. I am very taken with the need to speak to andfor real human beings who are not going to give up all possessiveness, not going to attain to a completely unconditional or universal love. Real people love specific others - things, people and metaphyisical objects and ideals. They love them passionately and this passion involves them in conflict with others and with themselves. This is the struggle of life.
I do value the ideal, but as something to worship from afar rather than something to consider to be within one's grasp. A greater humility is called for. This does not require a strong sense of self, but rather a willingness to see one's own faults and limitations and, through them, to find fellow feeling with one's comrades in this life.
When I was young I was greatly inspired by Fromm's ideas and the shift of emphasis from needing to be loved to needing to love was and still is a liberating idea. On this central plank of his argument I can still join him even though I have moved a long way since those days in how I now contextualise the philosophical task.

Comments

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[Roselle Angwin]

David I think this is inspiring and insightful. I think a great deal about this myself, and have rated Fromm highly in the past (along with a number of other writers on the same subject, mainly post-Jungians, as that is the basis for my own training in Transpersonal Psychology). Recently I've revisited Fromm - I've written a little about this in my own blog - and found his thesis more limited and yes narrow than I remembered. I think what you say above opens it out neatly. Thank you.